Stop Mocking Me!

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery." - Charles Caleb Colton


"To make mistakes is human; to stumble is commonplace; to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity." - William Arthur Ward


"We all gotta laugh at ourselves, once in a while.  I do it all the time!"  Spongebob Squarepants

Maybe if our president watched an episode of Spongebob, he wouldn't be quite so sensitive.  Ever since Alec Baldwin unleashed his Trump impression on Saturday Night Live during the election season, the Great Orange One has been on a crusade against the late night sketch show... much like he has been against the rest of the media.  Of course, his Twitter tirades about how bad the show is, how mean the impressions are and all that mumbo jumbo is simply a reflection of the fact that the man can't handle criticism.  SNL has skewered every president and presidential candidate since their beginning and only one has taken it as a deeply personal offense.

This of course, only causes the writers to target him and his administration harder (of course, this crew offers up constant material).  Perhaps you saw the Melissa McCarthy impersonation of Press Secretary Sean Spicer, last weekend?

This bit absolutely stole the show on a night where the host accidentally unleashed an "f-bomb" on live television.  Now, rumor has it that Trump's greatest enemy - that's right, Rosie O'Donnell - has offered her services to play assistant and Chief Strategist to the President, Steven Bannon.  I think I can actually hear The Donald's blood boiling at the thought of it.  

Anyway, satire and parody have been around for as long as there have been politics and this administration is going to have to grow some thicker skin.  But, I know what you're thinking - "Tony, what does any of this have to do with baseball cards?"  Well, believe it or not, I have a connection for you, the loyal reader.

Coincidentally, Major League Baseball had a similar reaction to being mocked, circa 1991.

Cardtoons was a set of art-based, parody cards which poked fun at Major League Baseball and it's personalities.  For instance, here we have the Balou's Brothers - a mashup of the Blues Brothers and the Alou family.  At the time, Felipe was manager of the Expos at the same time that his son, Moises, patrolled the outfield.  Sure, this reference would have made more sense with Felipe and his brothers Matty and Jesus, but that ship had long-since sailed.

Shawon Tungsten bears more than a passing resemblance to Chicago shortstop Shawon Dunston, with his cannon of an arm that was about as accurate as the Bowling Green Massacre.  

Also, we have Harry Scaray, who embodies the fear we all had watching the late, great broadcaster call games from the press box, with ample liquid assistance:

This comedic set of baseball cards was supposed to hit the market in 1991, in the thick of the junk wax era, when everyone and their brother was making or marketing baseball cards.  The people behind Cardtoons needed a niche and parody was their way to stand out from the crowd.  By keeping using fake player and team names, they hoped the unlicensed set would avoid litigation, on the grounds that they were "expression protected by the First Amendment and therefore read a parody exception..."  Well, the MLB Players Association would have none of that - according to them, the cutsie player names made the players easily identifiable.

The set eventually got out in 1993, but the lawsuit that entailed stretched out for seven years, with Cardtoons eventually winning out.  However, the lengthy court battle left the small company battered and, essentially, the MLBPA got what they wanted.  Of course, they probably would have been okay with the whole thing if they got a slice of the proverbial pie.

While all of that was going on, Confex put out their own parody set in 1992, called Baseball Enquirer.  This set also lambasted current MLB players and on-field personnel, but left out the cute, slightly twisted names entirely, which is what I am assuming kept them safe from the MLBPA.  Otherwise, I have no idea why they went after Cardtoons, but not Fun Stuff.

The set wasn't very well-received and died a natural death after just one go 'round.  In that checklist, was one implied "Cub" - George Bell.  The longtime designated hitter proved why he filled that spot for the Blue Jays and the White Sox during his singular season in the National League.

The backs of these cards featured comedic "interviews" with their unnamed subjects, thus earning their badge of  "Baseball Enquirer."  Some were actually quite chuckle-worthy, including the Bell above.  Others were notably mean-spirited, like the Lenny Dykstra look-a-like.

After Cardtoons was muscled out of business and Confex failed to grab a foothold in the lucrative market, the idea of a parody set featuring MLB personalities died for good.  To my knowledge, to this date, no other similar undertaking has been attempted (with one exception), likely partially because the threat of litigation is not worth the cost of business.  Furthermore, it's not like any of the licensed card manufacturers are going to stick their neck out on their own similar venture, especially not in the age of ultra-competitive exclusives.

However, every now and then, satire and parody will rear it's head in a product. For instance, in the lead up to the 2008 presidential election, Upper Deck blended baseball with politics in their Presidential Predictors insert set. Without this checklist, we wouldn't have gems such as the one above, which compared the political dogfight with the infamous Michael Barrett vs. A.J. Pierzynski brawl. However, with Hillary Clinton being a noted Cubs fan, I think they should have flipped the roles here.



Furthermore, Topps has long kept the spirit of parody alive with both their Wacky Packages and Garbage Pail Kids line, which extend back decades.  Wacky Packs, which typically poke fun at consumer products, were expanded to include a set of MLB parodies, the first such lambasting since Cardtoons and Confex.  However, while the spirit Wackies have always been subversive and fun, this MLB sticker set was toothless and barely funny.  Again, the MLBPA seems to share a certain inability to laugh at themselves, just like someone else we know...

On the other hand, there seems to be no holds barred in the GPK world, which seems to have only gotten more pointed in the age of online exclusives.  Their pop culture references run wild, like with my wife's new Kimmy K mocking above, and people get a real kick out of them.  I have yet to find a baseball reference in one of these babies though.

In summation, this was basically just a giant excuse to show off my Cardtoons and Confex parody cards.  However, it was easy to draw some parallels between the MLBPA's stubborn refusal to see these mockeries hit the market and Donald Trump's inability to handle satire.  I have to say, this quality is much more nerve-wracking and concerning to see in the leader of the free world than it is to see in a pro sports union that has no power over the direction of our country.

At any rate, let's all remember how important it is to be able to laugh at yourself - "pobody's nerfect" and all that jazz.  In the meantime, I'm looking forward to this Saturday night.  After all, the comedy institution is only going to hammer him harder, from this point on.  Maybe we'll even get that Rosie O'Donnell appearance that the internet is clamoring for.



"Life is too short to be taken seriously." - Oscar Wilde

A Cardboard Date

Ah c'mon - that's not the kind of cardboard date that I'm talking about.

I know you're probably all sick and tired of hearing about it my now, but my wife and I just got married a little over a week ago.  Time and time again I'm reminded that it's a damn good thing I locked her down because she is probably the coolest life partner that a guy could ask for.  After all, on one of our few and precious weekends where we are both off work and are otherwise unencumbered, not only did she allow me to sneak over to the card shop, she actually wanted to come with me. So, we had ourselves a little cardboard date.  This is the kind of thing that I dreamed about, as a kid.

Ever the documentarian, thanks to her, I now know exactly how I look when I peruse my favorite storefront:

Behold,  me with my awkward T-Rex arm, opening the portal to the land of treasures - Baseball Dreams and Memories in Crestwood, IL.  Of course, I allowed my wife to enter this cave of wonders first - chivalry ain't completely dead, after all.

Here I am, in deep and total concentration, as I gaze into each glass case in search of new cardboard rectangles to add to my various collections.  Also, apparently my wallet is about to burst out of my back pocket; I can say for certain that is not because it is fat with stacks of cash.  Rather, I think it's time for me to start breaking in a new pair of blue jeans.

At this point, my personal paparrazo ceased her following and put her camera phone away to do some questing of her own.  You see, she too collects cards - which is something you might know if you've been reading Wrigley Roster Jenga for a while - just not the same way that I do.  More on that later.  First, I'd like to show off what I discovered during our little card shop date:

The first round pick out of the 2014 draft has been something of a disappointment in his first year of NHL action - in 32 games played, the center has just 7 points an a +/- rating of -3.  He's even been demoted to the AHL for a bit.  However, you have to consider that the 20 year old was skating with the University of North Dakota last season; he's got plenty of time to develop.  In fact, it wouldn't be hard to argue that he was brought up a touch too early.

Regardless, I still needed a card of the rookie for my All-Time Blackhawks collection and this single from the Walmart exclusive 16-17 Parkurst release will fill Nick's slot quite nicely.  Now, I also need to track down the Tyler Motte rookie, for the very same purposes.

The only other card that I was able to track down during our little adventure was this 2016-17 O-Pee-Chee card of short-term Hawk, Tomas Fleischmann.  The left winger was acquired prior to the trading deadline last season,  along with Dale Weise, as reinforcement for their playoff run. Unfortunately, that trade didn't work out particularly well, as Tomas contributed just 5 points, along the way, before becoming a free agent.  As of yet, he has yet to see further professional action.

I can say, with certainty, that this is (and will be) his only Chicago Blackhawks card.  Honestly, I'm fairly surprised that he got one at all, but here we are.  The OPC will be replacing the following card in my Blackhawks binder:

This Upper Deck single makes use of a phenomenal goal shot from Tomas' time with the Florida Panthers; nevertheless, Indian head sweaters will always take priority in my collection.  Plus, I prefer to use cards where you can actually see the player's face.  

Meanwhile, I made mention earlier in this post about how my wife spent a good amount of time sifting through cards, herself; you see, she too collects.  While I focus on the Cubs, Blackhawks, Bears, Bulls and NASCAR, she focuses all of her collecting energy on Wacky Packages and Garbage Pail Kids:

It makes sense - she's a huge fan of biting social commentary and plain, old fashioned, juvenile humor.  What other trading card products blend those two qualities as well as GPK and the Wackies? We both agree that the answer is none.

We also both agree that the "Frisk Me" airport security sticker on the left was the best of the bunch; even if it has taken on a whole new meaning. this weekend.  Meanwhile, the "Franken Bury" isn't particularly clever, but the strawberry, monster cereal is her very favorite breakfast treat.

Some "Punkin' Donuts" to start your day off right - I especially enjoy the white pastry in the right front, sporting the Misfits' devilock, doing it's best Jerry Only impression.  I think I can also spot of Joey Ramone look-a-like in there.

Anywho, with as often as she runs to the real place for her morning coffee, I'm not surprised that she was attracted to this Dunkin parody.

Apparently, my sister-in-law has a compulsive issue when it comes to washing her hands and is a borderline germaphobe. In all of the years I've known her, this is something that I was not aware of.  But, my companion says it's true and that she bought the Wacky Pack on the left, just for her.  I wonder if I have to learn about the rest of my in-laws' quirks from old stickers?

Lastly, we have the only Garbage Pail Kid of the bunch, Mr. Tommy Gun, which is fairly self-explanatory.  I guess it's only appropriate for a Chicago resident to have a card featuring a Capone era gangster.

With that, we had finished exhausted our interests in the purveyors stock, so we payed the kind man and went about the rest of our day.  Of course, we had to pose for a picture with our spoils, in the parking lot, before we could do anything else.  Pics or it didn't happen, right?

In short, let me just say that I can't believe how lucky I am that I found a partner in crime who not only supports my, admittedly, somewhat childish hobby, but openly partakes in it herself.  Of course, that is just one in her long list of countless qualities that make her my favorite person in the world, but it's one that cannot be underestimated.  Is anyone else out there lucky enough to share this hobby with their significant other?

All I know that any day spent with my wife is a good day - add in a trip to the card shop and it instantly becomes a fantastically great, super awesome, fun day.

Instant Karma

The pack you see above provided me a couple of good karma rewards, but more on that later.

Today marked one of the rare weekend days where both my fiancee and I are free - working in retail means that she often gets stuck working at inconvenient times.  As such, we both feel like we have to make the most of the time that we have together.  Today, she got to choose how we spent our rarefied co-mingling hours.

We began the morning with the annual Independence Day parade... yes, I realize that it's only June 25th; but, for some strange reason that's how my community has always done it.  I was mostly indifferent on attending, however, she was surprisingly gung-ho on the idea.  From there, we went dress shopping at the local Burlington Coat Factory so that she could find a nice outfit for her friend's bridal shower tomorrow, in lieu of the car show I secretly wanted to attend.

I wasn't complaining though, it was just nice to spend a few casual hours together.  After finally settling on a nice little number, she actually decided that she'd like to go to the LCS in order to pick up some vintage Garbage Pail Kids.

Yup, that's right, she willingly opted to go card-hunting - I knew I picked a winner!

So, we rushed right on over there, before she could change her mind and luckily, they had a nice stash of old school GPK and Wacky Packages to keep her entertained.  Here are a few of the gems that she ended up walking away with:

The Ronald Reagan goofing was a no-brainer, seeing as she is all about political study.  Meanwhile, "Marc Spark" was selected, in her words, "in honor of the fourth of July."

Moving on, the Wacky Packages weren't exactly vintage; that said, she was still able to find a couple which struck her fancy:

My better half is a major Lady Gaga fan and about the most strong-willed feminist I've ever encountered (a label which I also wear proudly).   I always say, if you can't laugh at yourself, you shouldn't be laughing at anyone else; if you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen and all that cliched jazz.

Also, that one on the right is obviously a parallel of some sort, but neither her nor I could possibly care any less about that fact.

Anyway, as you can see, it was a pretty fruitful afternoon for her - she got to take in a parade on a beautiful summer day, came away with a cute outfit with minimal struggle and found herself a few new treasured collectibles.  Combine that with the fact that we're finally going to see Finding Dory tonight and she was in a pretty damn good mood.

Of course, there was no way I was leaving that shop without grabbing a little something for myself, so I selected my very first pack of Series 2 from the gravity feeder at the counter and we were on our merry way.  This impulse purchase then promptly rewarded me for letting my fiancee select the day's festivities:

Hey - it's great to see that my favorite insert set from Series 1 has carried over into the second edition.  Bricks, ivy and the iconic Wrigley Field marquee make for an unequivocally beautiful design.  Not to mention, I love the uniqueness of press conference shots on baseball cards - they're infinitely better than crappy Photoshop/airbrushing monstrosities.

Hot damn - it's a Cubs hot-pack!  No base Northsider base cards; however, both of the "special cards" contained within were Boys in Blue flavored.  I'll certainly be marking this down as a win.

It's kind of hard to tell from the picture, but that Cubs team card is some kind of rainbow foil parallel.  Now, I know I said I don't pay too much mind to parallels when discussing the Wacky Packs above, but this sure does look pretty.  The exuberant joy in the walk-off win celebration chosen for the photo sure doesn't hurt either.

So, there you have it - good karma immediately rewarded me for letting my fiancee take the reigns on our Saturday spent together.  That said, I think having a fiancee that willingly wanted to not only step into a card shop, but also wanted to do some shopping of her own is truly enough of a reward!

Sam I Am - a Guest Post

Hey there blogosphere friends! Sam, soon to be Mrs. Burbs, here. Your normal host, Tony Burbs, is sitting this round out and I’m taking a shot at it. 

"card" created with the Rookies App

So, let me introduce myself. I am not a baseball card collector, but I got a crash course in all things baseball about three and a half years ago when Tony and I got together.  We have a lot in common and about equally as much not. I am a retail manager, yogi, wannabe chef, part-time health and wellness coach, crazy cat lady, and book worm. Tony is an avid runner, baseball card collector, loves all sports but bleeds Cubbie blue, stand-up comedy is his happy place, and he loves late night TV. 

Since day one, we jumped into trying to share our hobbies with the other.  Some with success (LOL at Stephen Colbert!) and some with more of a lukewarm reaction (I’m still alone for my cooking show).  But recently we were in Target and he made his turn to the cards where normally I would stand and look at candy or my phone while Burbs mulled over his choices. 

BUT NOT THIS TIME!!!!!

I decided to buy a pack of Garbage Pail Kids because they looked fun and had a political theme. Burbs was so happy I thought he teared up a little and whisked me to the check out before I could realize how silly it was and boom… next thing I know it’s a few weeks later and I have a baby binder filling up with cards that make me smile. 

Let’s check the highlight reel:

Garbage Pail Kids- Hounded HILLARY

This lady graced my very first pack of cards and made me so happy I think I puked a rainbow.  I love politics and I love a good roast.  This card features the Democratic nominee wannabe kicking over a laptop with emails on display.  The play on the confidential emails gave me a giggle.  #HillYes

Garbage Pail Kids- Phony PHIL

This gem features a zombie who is still staring at his phone.  The social commentary cracks me up because my biggest pet peeve is probably the zombie like state of so many people all because of a little screen… to read about other people’s lives.  No.  Bad.  Are you reading this on your phone while hanging out with other humans in person? Then stop being a Phony Phil and come back to me when your alone.  I promise, I’ll be waiting right here. 

Topps- Gordon Beckham

Oh, Burbs didn’t tell you? I’m a White Sox fan (also number one in their division).  My favorite man is former second baseman Beckham, even if he's a Brave now.  I love his walk up (Your Love by the Outfield) and, even though there is no relation, I’m just a fan of any Beckham (Gordon, Victoria, and David). Burbs gave me this card when we created this binder and it was his little home run. 

Decision 2016- Barrack Obama

I’m not here to debate politics.  But I love me some Barry O.  So my collection wouldn’t be complete without his smiling face on a card (or three in full disclosure). 

Panini - Justin Bieber  

I’m a mild Belieber… and I have a friend who shares this small crush.  So we like to mail each other Justin Bieber themed holiday cards and even had temporary tattoos declaring our love for Valentine’s Day once.  My collection needed the Biebs.

Well I’m sure you guys miss Tony Burbs by now.  So I will go ahead and give him back his blog and everyone can enjoy some baseball card info. 

Bye! 

Others "Pail" in Comparison

My fiance is a wonderful person.

She tolerates my terrible, pun-filled jokes, got me on a healthier diet, is always there for me when I need a shoulder and doesn't complain (too much) when I inevitably drift over to the trading card section during our pilgrimages to Target.

This is why I put a ring on it.

The other night, we needed to make a quick stop to pick up a minuscule amount of groceries in order to last us through our next big shopping day.  Inevitably, I felt my body make a reflexive right turn as we approached the cash registers, right into my familiar haunt.  Not that this was a surprise to either of us; unlike the Spanish Inquisition, it was completely expected.

What wasn't expected was that my lovely fiance followed me, instead of turning to the magazine racks for entertainment.  Not only did she follow me, she was actually looking through the product on the racks!  What trickery is this?!

When I heard her whisper, "Would judge me if I bought some Garbage Pail Kids?" I not only did not judge her, I immediately jumped into making sure she got the best bang for her buck.

Is this a door that leads to joining me in the card-collecting hobby, left slightly ajar?  I must burst through this entryway like the Kool-Aid Man!

In the end, she walked away with the 20-card rack pack of their latest release, "American as Apple Pie in Your Face," that you see above and I was about as giddy as a school girl that she was buying cards.  Shall we see how she did in her very first pack-ripping experience?:

The bonus here for me (besides the fact that my gorgeous bride to me is opening cards) is that I've never so much touched a pack of Garbage Pail Kids, let alone ripped one open to see it's contents.  Even though these things have been around forever, this was an entirely new experience for me.

On to the cards:

These two near the top were amongst her favorite pulls.  Who doesn't love a good social commentary or a chance to pick on hipsters?  I personally hate anything having to do with zombies though (it's an odd phobia I've had ever since my father let me watch Night of the Living Dead as an impressionable youngin'), so I wasn't as keen as she was on Phony Phil.

With this next batch, you have to keep in mind that my lady is a huge political nerd and has even worked on a few local campaigns.  Thus, it was a foregone conclusion that these were going to be her favorites:

I must say, that Trump card (ha! "trump card") seems to be awfully accurate.  Additionally, the one to right of it isn't too far off the mark either - Jeb doesn't seem to be enjoying the campaign trail at all these days.

It should also be noted that the Jeb is some sort of parallel too.  I forget which kind, but it was something really gross; something to do with either urine or snot... I'm not exactly sure though.

All in all, if that had been all that she got out of this experience, I think that would have been enough to make her a fan.  That said, I definitely didn't expect what was sitting comfortably in the middle of the stack:

Are you freakin' kididng me?!  She pulled an autograph out of the very first pack of cards she's ever opened in her quarter-century spent on this earth!  On top of that, it's numbered /25 too.  What an out of this world development this was (There's one of those terrible puns I was alluding too earlier).

I didn't pull a signed card of any sort until last year... clearly she's got the golden touch,

Brent Engstrom is the artist behind all of the disturbing, amusing and satirical artwork found on the front of these cards.  I wish I could find the pack odds for his John Hancock, but I cannot locate them online and I've already disposed of the wrapper.  Regardless, it's still quite the card collecting baptism, is it not?

When I saw this fall out, I was crossing my fingers that some of that golden touch would be passed down onto my own rack pack.  Psssh, you didn't think I was walking out of that card aisle empty-handed, did you?

While still in the store, I had my better half randomly select a product for me to open with her; awww, it's like a "his and hers" card-buying experience.  Now, hopefully some of her beginner's luck applicable to the contents of my bounty too.  Perhaps I had my own mega mojo super hit waiting for me to set it free from this plastic pouch.

Not quite - however, it was far from a disappointment:

My very first pack-pulled card of Schwarbs and only my second overall!  Plus it's from my favorite insert set of the new year (big surprise, right?).  With his rapid ascension through the minors and his immediate success in the Majors, there aren't a lot of cards of his on the market and the ones that do exist command a premium.

You damn well better believe this one will be his representation in my CATRC.

As a bonus footnote, there was also this superb fielding shot of Angel Pagan, who spent parts of the 2006-07 campaigns in Chicago.  As such, this will slot nicely into my "Cubs of a Different Color" binder (future/former Cubs pictured on different teams).

Okay, it's official, I'm letting her pick out all of my packs from now on.  Clearly she's magic.

So, now I've got to make sure that I keep the momentum going here - I'll have to get her a few more packs of Garbage Pail Kids and keep this fire stoked.  Maybe I should just forgo the flowers and chocolate on Valentines Day and surprise her with a bouquet made of card packs?

Nahhhhh, I'm just kidding - she'd definitely not be cool with that.  But, not because she wants the cheesy teddy bear/candy/roses lovey-dovey treatment; no, it'd be because the only thing she wants is to spend the entire day wandering around the Chicago Auto Show.

Did I mention that she's wonderful?